"help, i'm alive

my heart keeps beating like a hammer.
Hard to be soft, tough to be tender.
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train..."-
friday after school: i walked to my locker to put my book away when i saw nicole and kayla standing right next to it. i thought this was weird because neither of them go to manteca high. i convinced myself there was nothing of it. i turned to leave, but something grabbed a hold of my hair, and tugged. i dropped my binder with the unexpected maneuver. i felt her arms swinging in an attempt to hit me. a few clocks to the face, not hard or painful. i donkey kicked her from behind getting her off of me. she turned to swing more punches. i ducked my head and grabbed both of her wrists screaming " don't fucking touch me!". i could see a blur of people surrounding us, enclosing us in a tight circle. i've always been on the outside of that circle, watching whatever two idiots thought it was a good idea to fight. being on the inside of that circle felt like a completely different place, a different world. i could faintly hear the crowd yelling "fight! woooo!" cheering it on. i pushed her off of me, grabbed my binder, and left. what has this solved? nothing. fights are pointless. she still hates me just as much as she did before, and it didn't change anything about what had already happened. you can't change the past, only the future, and she just fucked hers up.
the end.

-"If you’re still alive
My regrets are few.
If my life is mine,
what shouldn’t I do?
I get wherever I’m going,
I get whatever I need
while my blood’s still flowing
and my heart still beats."

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

is it really? I'd like to know.. Anyways, the show is fucking amazing. If you've never seen It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, then you better go look it up right now on hulu . I love the episode when they try to do a home makeover the extreme way. They go to some random mexican people's house in the middle of the night dressed all in black with black ski masks on. Mac breaks their door down with a bowling ball wrapped with a chain, replicating a wrecking ball. The family doesn't speak english, and it looks a lot to them like they are getting robbed. I laughed so hard I was crying! :D I would like to tell the end, but you gotta go watch it for yo self bitchesssss!

my gurrls

i'm lucky to have gurrls like these. they will always have my back and make me feel better when i'm down. i used to be upset at the thought of losing my old "best friend", but it is probably for the best. if i were still her friend, who knows what the fuck i'd be like. i can't just stick around with someone when they're always a cold hearted bitch. i can't force myself to be happy when i'm not. nobody can go through life pretending like they are fine the way they are, but inside they want to scream their hearts out. they want everyone to hear the truth, and how they honestly feel. i learned that i can't just do whatever other people want me to do, or i'll never truly be happy. i need to do what i think is best for my life, and not give a shit what other people will think of me. i am who i am, take me or leave me.

colder than my heart, if you could imagine..

sometimes i wonder, will i ever learn. i take you back everytime without a second thought, and every single time you go back to her. you say that it isn't fair to treat her that way, to tell her that she has a second chance and then leave her. isn't that what you did to me? you contradict yourself when you say that, and you don't even realize it. you say that this is the last straw for her. this is the last chance you will give her, but you say that every time. its getting hard to trust the one person i thought i would always trust. the person i thought would always have my back. i guess i was wrong. if this is her last straw, then maybe your last straw already passed. it passed the first time you said you loved me, and the second time. i can't keep waiting around, taking you when you're in a bad place and when you feel better you just go to her again. i'm not your rebound, or something you can just use when you feel like. i just don't know what to do about it..